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Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Finding the Courage to Live with a Fetish

Jillian Keenan’s article, “Finding the Courage to Reveal a Fetish”, has been spreading like wildfire through the spanking community, receiving a well-deserved standing ovation from those of us that share her kink. I find her to be extremely brave for writing such a bold statement and to do so publicly, as it is something I could never do. So it was a complete surprise to me when a wave of sadness washed over me after reading the article. I read her story and saw a distorted reflection of my own life and I realized that I live the epilogue to her story. But my tale does not end with “happily ever after”, instead, my story will be happily ever never. The sadness is for myself, as I do not know Keenan, nor do I assume her relationship or her needs to be anything like mine. If nothing else, I hold out hope for her and spankos everywhere that they can find peace in their path, as I hope to find in mine.

I’ve gone through life living with little regret. I always thought to myself that I made the very best decision I could for myself at any given moment, even if in retrospect it was the wrong one. I do, however, regret not being honest with myself in my youth, repressing that which brings me so much pleasure. The experimentation I went through as a young adult covered a vast wasteland, dabbling in a little bit of this and a little bit of that. Like Keenan, I would test the waters with spanking, but never admitting that it was the spanking that I enjoyed. Instead, I just filed it under “rough sex”… somehow I could justify that as being more acceptable than spanking. If only I could have accepted myself perhaps I would not have found myself in the pickle I am in now.

What sour brine do I bathe in? I am married and have and plan on being so for a long time. I love my husband, and very much like David, my husband knows and accepts me and this part of me that is my fetish. Since acknowledging my kink, I have found myself wishing that I could have known I was into spanking at a much earlier age and perhaps I could have nurtured that part of me, finding the person who could complete my equation. I’m envious of Keenan, having made her decision fully informed, but cannot imagine a love so great to exclude this primal need of mine. In my selfish ways, I could not make that same sacrifice. My husband has quite literally become my ball and chain as I spend a life imprisoned… the sentence I agreed to serve when I walked down that aisle. I can honor myself and do as I’m doing now and let it be a happy compromise, or I can honor my husband and live a lonely life: “The brave ones looked for personal ads,” she replied. “The rest of us were lonely.” My math had been off, divided by zero.

Long time blog readers might remember that years ago I had asked my husband if I could take on a spanker. Understandably, he rejected the idea. After respecting that decision for over a year, I could no longer live another minute without exploring my kink. My hormones were in full gear and every minute that I lived without honoring this essential part of me I saw as another minute of rejecting myself. Keenan writes, “In our different ways, we all just want honesty and intimacy, right? We’re looking for the people who will love us, even when it’s difficult. Or uncomfortable. Or painful.” I have learned that it is not enough for me to be accepted. I need to be seen in this life. I need to be witnessed for who I am, everything I am.

My everyday life is rooted at home. This thing between the Englishman and me is a form of punishment of its own… one that feels so good, like indulging in a spanking followed by a caning. The time we spend together any given week is only a fraction of my life, and yet it consumes so much more of me. I will never have what I really want, to walk this path with a partner who sees me…all of me. Perhaps it is time I find the pleasure in that kind of pain.

22 comments:

  1. Dear SC -- you and Ms. Keenan have courage in common. This post was incredibly brave and honest, and I admire you so much for it.

    Many of us don't come to terms with our kink when it's most convenient, or when we're young enough to make life decisions over it. I certainly didn't.

    You are in a quandary, certainly. And some will judge, I'm sorry to say. SCREW THEM. And please, don't judge yourself, either. You are who you are, and you need what you need. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

    Just remember one more thing -- there are no guaranteed happy endings. Partners who share kink as well as love aren't a perfect picnic either. There's always compromise. But somehow, we forge our ways. We find what works. What we let go, and what we keep.

    Any small-minded judgment notwithstanding, you have also opened yourself up to support and understanding. Be proud of that.

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    1. Erica,

      I cannot help but love you for the kindness you show me with your words. Thank you, friend.

      xo,
      SC

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  2. ^^ what Erica said. I know how getting a bit of a good thing can feel and leave one wanting for more. It can be really, really hard. I wish it could all fit together perfectly for you. Do whatever is best for you.

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    1. Thank you, Lea. Life moves much more swiftly after 21... It seems I have learned to appreciate what I have as well as the things I don't have.

      xo,
      SC

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  3. SC,

    Your post is very open and honest and brave.

    Big Hug,
    joey

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    1. Thank you, Joey... that means a lot coming from you!

      xo,
      SC

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  4. Happily Ever Never is a very long time. And I'm pretty sure you are brave enough, strong enough, and smart enough to write the ending you want and need.

    Zee

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    1. Zee,

      You are so sweet to say so...your words are almost convincing enough to make me believe them... I hope someday soon I will come to the same conclusion. Thank you so much for your support... it means the world to me.

      xo,
      SC

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  5. That's a really tough situation you and all the others involved are in, SC! And one where there isn't any easy solution. So, I can understand your sadness. But still I hope and believe that time will work for you and that you will be able to find a good path (or, as Zee put it, "write the ending you want and need"). As Erica already mentioned, one always has to make compromises. I am sure that your ability to be so open and honest about your thoughts and feelings will help you to find your way. Just take good care of yourself during the journey.

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    1. Thank you, Kaelah... Life is not easy, both simple and complicated at the same time. While there is great sadness in my situation, I have found a great joy as I calibrate the perfect balance between both lives.

      xo,
      SC

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  6. I'm nodding my head at the previous comments. All are right on. You are a courageous lady. So many people can't even begin to be honest about their lives. I wish you the best-take good care of you and move forward as you need. Indeed, there is always a cost, always compromise. Blessed be.

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    1. Thank you, Saoirse, and welcome to the blog! "Courageous" seems like such a large word to describe someone who does so anonymously... but it never feels that way when one shares so much.

      xo,
      SC

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  7. And thanks, SpankCake-I would have missed this article if you hadn't posted. As mom, wife, daughter to an elderly father, grandmother, friend, day job/night job/dream job person-I rarely see a newspaper of newscast. (I remember fondly my days as a single woman with The New York Times) Thanks!

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    1. Glad I could share it with you... it's a great article!

      xo,
      SC

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  8. I echo the intelligent comments above and add my own support and friendship.

    Hugs,
    Hermione

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    1. Thank you so much, Hermione... I appreciate your support and friendship very much...never taking it for granted.

      xo,
      SC

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  9. I want to hug you. (and maybe pinch your ass too, but still) You're not alone. But you know that. More importantly, you're among the bravest and most self-fulfilling of the many folks out there that are in your (and my) situation. And that blueberry pancake on the pink bottom still makes me chuckle. The gayest thing in spankingblogdom is when someone says "huuuugggss!" but I get it. Fistbump. Hug. Asspinch. Kiss on the forehead. Then a wink.

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    1. Well, huuuuugggss to you, too! Thanks for your support...I know it seems like we are a lonely minority most of the time, so it's so good to hear from you!

      xo,
      SC

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  10. I also regret not accepting my kink sooner. I emailed Jillian to see if she'd do a follow up interview with me about reactions to her article. If she agrees, would you be willing to allow me to quote you, or do an interview? I have no idea where I'd print the follow up article - hoping for somewhere more exciting than just my blog...

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    1. Renee,

      I would be happy to contribute in any way! And for the record, while it would be exciting for it to be published, I think your blog is plenty exciting!

      xo,
      SC

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  11. What an amazing post; it brought so much to my mind as I read it. I think the battle is always self-acceptance and then as a close second, accepting that those we love are how they are and just like we couldn't--they couldn't change merely to please us.

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    1. Welcome to my blog, Bleuame!

      self-denial, self-discovery, self-acceptance... we all find our own path. We love those closest to us for their acceptance of us, flawed and as-is... and it is those same reasons that allow us to love them.

      xo,
      SC

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