Fear and Loathing

Mountains have been moved.

The Englishman has had a change in schedule, so I will be freshly spanked and caned tomorrow. Tomorrow, people. In less than 24 hours at this point. Reading back to my last post, I might have been a bit dramatic. But that sort of starvation triggers drama. Things being relative, I'm new to indulging in this lifestyle, one that I have been restricting myself from for so many years. And when you rescue a hungry beast from the wild, you need to tame it.

One thing we've been discussing over this hiatus is the idea of boundaries. Clearly, I'm craving them as seen with my poor behavior. So, to begin with, here are some boundaries the Englishman has set forth. They probably seem very obvious, but having them written down helps me understand how concrete they are and in many way gives me a sense of relief as it solidifies my place in this relationship.

So to begin:
I will not submit in an erotic sense to any other man.
I will not indulge my own submissive fantasies or tendencies with any other man nor indulge or gratify their dominant fantasies of tendencies.
I will not be alone with any dominant men in any private space.
I will not indulge or gratify erotic or D/s fantasies or tendencies with fet friends or online friends.
I will not indulge in submissive flirting with other men designed to arouse them.
I will ask in advance before I attend any fetish events and you will only attend them with permission. Every event I attend will be as I described it and I will take a picture of what I wore to the event.
I will not kiss, caress or in any other way act-out in an overt sexual manner with other men even if D/s is not involved.
I will immediately report any breach in these rules.

I emailed back for some clarification. For one, only men are referred to in the rules, however, what about women? He responded that the prohibition on submission to others is applied to both genders. So that loophole has been closed. I also brought up the blog, especially regarding the photos as I was taking a don't-ask-if-you-don't-want-to-hear-the-answer stance on posting those. Surprisingly enough, he was quite ok with it. It's the anonymous nature of it all that makes it ok. That was a huge weight lifted for me, as it felt like it bordered on lying by not telling him. He did clarify, however, that sending photos to individuals is a big no-no. Understandable.

I quote him in saying, "These boundaries are not traps to catch you in, but a loving structure for you to fully explore and express this beautiful part of you." At times I want to jump ship and get spanked by every man at the next party, but other times, most of the time, I take a deep breath and understand that this is what I want. I want the freedom to explore my kink while feeling safe both physically and emotionally. And to do it with someone I trust and love and not be judged for it is more than anyone can possibly ask for. I think the urge to runaway for some anonymous spanko fun is more out of fear and self-loathing than anything else. There is always a sense of unworthiness when accepting such pleasures. It would be the ultimate slitting of my own throat to betray him- so the question is why? Why not accept the happiness and stability of what I have instead of playing with the fire chaos brings? Or maybe it is simply the physical desires of wanting to be spanked with more frequency? I feel like I'm being high maintenance, a character trait I don't strive towards. I trust these boundaries are placed to help this Lost Angel find her way home.

But tomorrow, I will be in a very happy place as I get spanked for the first time in 2.5 weeks... an eternity in my books. I'm going to spend some time today shopping for new underwear to mark the occasion. I'm thinking something extra girly...something that will make him want to spend some extra time lingering and fondling this very neglected bottom of mine.