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Sunday, May 20, 2012

Shame

It is too early to be awake, let alone blog, and yet my body punishes itself for my actions of the previous night by refusing to enjoy a restful slumber. The amount of shame I feel borders on being too personal to share, and yet I have the distinct need to let it out. The idea of trying to contain it seems too big for me to handle in this lonesome moment. I don't even want to refer to him by his usual moniker, as I feel completely unworthy. Never have I wished so much for a discipline spanking.

As I try to get out of bed I am reminded of the night before when I feel the stinging sensation upon my knees. The fuzzy memories flood back, forcing me to relive the nightmare I was hoping would fade as the sun rose. But instead I have to face the reality of my actions as well as its possible consequences. And it's those consequences I so greatly fear.

To most people, what I did would be dismissed and simply excused- not a big deal, really. I've done much worse in my life, and yet there are few things I can remember feeling that literal hands-in-your-face shame. It's a sensation that took some time to define.

Like a band-aid, I'll tear through the night's events, making it as painless for me as possible (though an argument could be made that I deserve a little pain at this point, but I'll leave it up to him to dole that out, that is, if he's willing).

It all started off with a drink. An email was sent, then an exodus to the bar down the street, and then more wine was poured. Another email was sent. I'm well aware he's working and yet I selfishly take up his time spank grubbing. My glass of pinot noir gets refilled time and time again. He finally agrees to meet me. I try my best to leave the bar, but it's packed and service is slow. My friends are distracted by celebrity sightings. I feign interest, snap some pictures for them and my mind is trying its hardest to focus on my single goal. We walk back to our cars. On the way back I break a heel, tumble into the street, onto my knees. Completely embarrassed, I get myself together and scurry as fast as I can.

He had waited 20 minutes and I missed him by 10.

I closed my eyes and rested my head, disappointed. I send an email but clearly the moment has passed. I dozed off for a little bit. I abruptly woke up in horror as to what just happened, my childish behavior, the things I wrote, the missed appointment. Immediately I send yet another email, this one apologizing for my actions. I wished I wrote it with more clarity-perhaps after a night's rest. But I didn't, and what is done is done.

Spanking is such a pleasurable sensation for me, and yet I woke up today wanting for Tuesday to bring me none of that. I had this urge and longing for him to punish me, reform me, forgive me. I can't imagine a pain greater than this feeling of disappointing him and clearly providing the evidence that I'm broken and unworthy of his attention, something I've been well aware of for some time now.

TL;DR: When drinking, hide your phone.

11 comments:

  1. Oh babygirl. Those poor little knees will heal. But I will not lie to you. No matter what happens, no matter what he does, every time you think of this you will clench and redden and try to shake it out of your head. And it won't go. I know that because we've all done it. We. Have. All. Done. It. I've done it more than once and no wine involved.

    The hunger, the need, the flame inside is beautiful and wonderful and makes us who we are. But so many different stressors can flare it at the wrong time.

    I have faith. I think he's going to do exactly the right thing. I think he's experienced and he knows what happened.

    Whatever happens, this is your journey. Keep writing about it honestly, as you do.

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    1. Emen,

      I know you speak the truth when you write about the scar this experience will leave in me. I know I have to trust him to help me through this, but right now I fear that no discipline will be harsh enough and that I'll punish myself by denying myself his company. I know it seems dramatic, but I can't sleep or eat right now. I hope Tuesday brings relief.

      Thank you for your support...it means so much to me.

      SC

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  2. "Spank grubbing" is a term I am, ashamedly, all too familiar with myself. As Emen said, we have all been there.

    I suggest you delete the emails and try to let go of what happened. He will forgive in his own unique brand of forgiveness -- which is what you ultimately want, too. Those knees are reminder enough for the time being!

    XX

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    1. Pink,

      I can't bring myself to read *those* emails...let alone delete them. I'm definitely going to have to come up with strategies to avoid "spank grubbing"...maybe snapping a rubberband on my wrists?

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  3. Oh, my! Your poor knees...I'm so sorry and if you were here I'd dress those knees and bandage them up for you. That's right up my alley, lol! One of my boys had that exact same look on his knees just last week.

    Love,
    Kitty

    P.S. Sorry you missed your spanking!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kitty,

      That would have been lovely! They were definitely neglected but now I scab has formed. Do knees scar?! Time to whip out the vitamin E!

      SC

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  4. Your poor knees! Shame is probably the least frequently felt emotion, but it's powerful, and your odds of feeling it go up with every glass and every email sent after every glass! (don't ask me how I know) By Tuesday, er, well... by the end of your time together Tuesday... hopefully all will be forgiven. Until then, hang in there.

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    1. Yeah...I didn't wake up with a hangover because I think I was still a little drunk. Ugh. You boys just drive us girls crazy. Literally.

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  5. WHAT A SHAME kNEES LIKE THIS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH SPANKING OR CANING. I DO WISH YOU LIVED IN THE UK AS I COULD DO WITH SOMEONE LIKE YOU.I WOULD LOVE TO CANE YOU IN THE BRITISH WAY WITH 6 OF THE BEST AND GIVE YOU THE BEST MARKS THAT YOU WANT

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  6. Ouch. Poor knees! I'd say that's plenty of punishment, right there.

    Please don't be so hard on yourself. You realize you're way harder on yourself than he, or anyone else, could ever be, right?

    Wishing you peaceful and pain-free sleep.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Erica... How right you are about being our own worst enemy!

      SC

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